A Look in the Mirror

If you read my last post about Black Friday, then you will know most of the story here. After those comments that I posted, some more messages went back and forth. I won't post, or tell people word for word unless people actually care. All in all, it was a bunch of insulting personal remarks. After searching through all the comments it boils down to him calling me stupid, obese, rude, offensive, disrespectful, self-centered, self-righteous, arrogant, a jerk, a hater, jealous, have anger issues, pompous, and an idiot. All from a small initial remark.

I never once said something insulting to him. He says I was implying insults. I would like to clarify that I said I thought it was ridiculous that people wait 8 hours, and camp to buy cheap things. Some people think the war is ridiculous. Some think watching football is ridiculous. People don't get offended if you say something like that. Then, it comes down to the fact I said that consumerism initiates a major problem in our world/society. That means people wait and fight for things. People get shot, pepper sprayed, etc... Only to buy something that will probably not get used that much, and just wasted in the end. When you throw something out, where does it go? There can only be so many hand-me-downs, or re-selling items. Do they recycle all of this stuff that is being consumed. Do they donate all of this stuff to needy people? In some cases yes, but it only goes so far. Imagine if we all had to wait and fight for food and water. If people act like this for buying things, then everyone will probably kill each other. I'm not trying to be pompous or self-righteous. I'm just discussing things that I've seen and witnessed. I understand that consumerism is giving jobs to people, but it's really not because if it were, then there wouldn't be so many out of jobs. Big places replace people with machines, or people who will work harder for cheaper, am I wrong? How much does it cost to make a TV? We'll say for these purposes $80. Now, on a regular basis, they may sell this TV for $300. Now, Black Friday comes along, and they do one of two things, make the TV worth $40, and sell it for $150; or just sell the $80 for $200. Sure, you're getting an item closer to the value, but is it worth it?

Whatever, it doesn't matter. What matters is he insulted me when I made a general remark. I started to take up for myself, and never used negative words, or insulted him. Then, he says for me to leave him alone, or it will be considered harassment. But how can I just take it? I feel like I'm not standing up for myself if he gets the last word and says horrible things about me. I don't think I'm any of these bad things, and I wouldn't think I would be like this. Obviously, there is some truth. I lost a different "friend" because they thought that I was one, if not all these things. Not only did this other person stop being my friend, but they blocked me completely. I was just with this person on Thanksgiving, and I don't believe I did anything wrong towards them, but I guess I did.

This is where I start to feel torn apart. I'm trying to re-evaluate my life now. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just trying to be me, and all I want is for everyone to be happy, get treated equally, and people get what they deserve. I'm trying to continue my life, and be positive, but even when I'm trying to be positive and fight for what I think is right, I still get insults. I'm not trying to say that I'm right. Everything I say and do is right. That's not me. I'm an idealist with firm opinions. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I do when my motivation is to take care of others. That's my job, literally, to cater to people's needs.

I guess I'm just trying to be respectful and be the bigger man and leave this person alone, even though it's killing me. Now, I'm trying to justify myself here on my public blog. I want to prove I do not fit any of these insulting remarks, but I don't know how. How can I fix something I don't see? After losing this one person, I really feel sick to my stomach. I wish people would just communicate with me, and help me if I need it. I thought I'd been feeling good recently, and just rolling with the tide. This being after my depression stage, now I feel my life in a tumble again. Is my life going the direction I want it, or where it's supposed to go? I still haven't found my place anywhere. No "home". I don't fit in. Should I just stick to cooking? Should I continue writing and acting? Should I just live my life in solitude? I mean, I feel really bad, and confused with everything.

Who is this person staring back at me? It's not the same as in the past, but is it who I wanted to see for the future? Is this who I want to see now? Where will you go? What will you do? Who will you be? The image changes constantly.

 "We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done."~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Life is like a permanent job interview. We walk into the interview feeling as if we are capable of doing almost anything- if life just gave us a chance. But life insists on asking us what we've actually done. A kind person is a person who acts kindly to others. An honest person is a person who tells the truth and is fair to others. Understanding what others see in us can help us become more like the person we perceives ourselves to be. I wonder what others think when they look at me. I will take a hard look at myself to make sure my actions align with the person I believe I am." ~ from 'The Daily Book of Positive Quotations' by Linda Picone