I’m Everything You Don’t Want

Alright, prepare yourself. This is my rant about relationships. Those who have known me for a while may roll their eyes, but you have to admit, I haven’t talked about this, or complained for at least a year, so, I’m due. My mind is back to where it once was, which is getting all worked up about finding a girl, but now, it’s different.

I’m back to the dating game, and liking it a lot less than before. It’s hard to find people to go out with, much-less a girl to date. I’m very picky with who I want to even try to date, now. This online dating stuff is insane. So, I would probably have to explain the last relationship I had, we’ll call her Babe, was also my first and only relationship. So, you see how it might be a little difficult for me.

Through my whole life, starting from high school, I always wanted a girlfriend. I never got to tell my mother I had a girlfriend, or even introduce a girl to my mother, until Babe. Sure I had “girlfriends” in Elementary and Jr. High, but really, does that count? I have always had pursuits, but they ended quickly, either by me doing something stupid, losing interest, or being caught in the “friend zone”. I had at least two girls who I truly felt that I loved, and both broke my heart. Those are both stories on their own. I had “flings” in college, sure, but nothing serious. I’m always the friend. I helped so many people with their relationships, but when I started dealing with those questions from girls I had interest in, then I just stop caring to listen. I’ve always been the third wheel, the fifth wheel, or the crazy loner guy. Just constant struggle with women, although I’m not shy nor do I have difficulty approaching or talking to women. I can’t ever get them out of my head, and I can’t ever stop thinking about the last one until I have a new prospect of interest. I always think romantically, and wish I could show it to someone, or I get depressed and wish everyone was unhappy and single. I went through a huge ordeal with one female in particular, who isn’t even getting a fake name, and I broke down. I started to get aggravated and fed up with the idea of trying to find a girl. It’s so much work and trouble. I should just learn to be alone, and like it, then someone would come along. I got very comfortable with myself. Then, Babe came along.

I had met Babe in the past a few times, guess you can say we met through a friend. The last time I saw her, before we started dating, I thought she was a bitch, straight up. I went to a party at her place, aka her mom’s house, and tried to say hi a few times, but she ignored me, and gave me weird looks, then tried to be all nice and give me a hug when I left. She always had that bitch look to her (yes, I even told her this. Is that bad? I’m a honest and blunt person, but so was she). But when we started dating, she had moved out of her mom’s and was living with two roommates north of me, got in touch with me through the social network, and wanted to hang out. We started going out, and she was a lot of fun, and great to talk to. Of course, there was that tension between us. The first time we kissed she said, “Finally!” And I laughed. The relationship quickly developed from there.

We started dating sometime at the end of October - early November 2010, then considered it a relationship by the beginning of December. I went home for the holidays, which is a five hour trip, and I didn’t have a proper car, so, a family member picked me up. When it came time to come back, Babe wanted to come get me because she missed me. So, she came and spent a night or two with me and my family. She met majority of the important people in my life. That had never been done before, and it was crazy to me. We got in a big fight on the way back because I was being very selfish, thoughtless, and childish, but didn’t realize it at that point in time. It did not make for a good trip. We were also heading straight in on New Years Eve and going to a friends party. The entire night was awkward, and full of negative tension. It all spiraled from there I suppose.

I always had my doubts about the relationship from the beginning. I wasn’t totally into her, but I think I wanted to settle and try the whole relationship thing out. I tried my best to do romantic things, but she was hard to please. She didn’t seem to appreciate all the things I did. We had a lot of “fights”, and I even kinda broke up with her at one point because she was being a stupid, inconsiderate, hypocritical bitch. I was bawling, and talking to a friend about it, and she called back apologizing, etc...Then, she met me and my two friends at a restaurant, and we got back together, and it seemed like it was going to be better than ever.

She continued to have issues with family, living situations, and job situations. I was very accommodating and supportive. She stayed with me for a good while during her move out of one place, storing things at another, and leaving to go to Hawaii for a month, then come back to a new place. It was all crazy. Things got switched around, and she was there in Hawaii for our 6 month anniversary (June 2011). Our relationship ended exactly a week after our 7 month, which was the same day I got my new car, and she broke up with me while having brunch in a restaurant. Bad timing.

Sure, she says it wasn’t planned, but that still freakin’ sucks. Especially since she was the motivation behind me getting a car. That was a problem with us, my car sucked real bad, so, she drove a lot. I paid for gas many times, but she still fought with me about it. I also have to mention that I have a thyroid disease, and if I’m off my medication for a long period of time, I have certain symptoms, ie: depression and hormonal mood swings, aka a woman. That being said, she made me cry quite a few times. Sometimes it was because she was very tactless in a lot of things she said, and when she said it. That and sometimes I would cry out of anger because that is better than being violent or verbally abusive. This lack of medication is also the cause of many other thoughts, feelings, and argument issues.

It was all very confusing, still is. We were at different places, and blah, blah, blah. While I’m typing this I’m even thinking to myself, “what the hell are you complaining about?” And the answer is, “I don’t know.” I’m lonely and depressed again, and it has to come out. I’ve been wanting to get this out, so, maybe I can feel better and move on. She moved on, by early December because she’s already in a relationship. That’s what mainly concerns me, and bothers me. What does that really say about her? What does that say about me? About me and her? There are so many answers to those questions, and all of them never leave my head. Should I talk to her about this? If so, what would I say? Her picture and name is always there on the social network. She’s got her and her boyfriend together as her profile picture (they look fake happy). I heard he’s a dick too, and think he’s a game designer, or something of the nature. It seems to me she’s rushing into another relationship, which won’t end well, and will end in the near future. I project by the end February, or at least it will start dropping downhill quickly. I know that because there seems to be a pattern with the dates here, whether she realizes it or not.

All in all, I think we were wrong for each other, but it could’ve worked out, I feel. I just know that my strengths in a relationship are:  listening, accommodating, romantic, caring, funny, creative, passionate, ambitious, attractive, intelligent, thoughtful, being great, good at kissing and other things. My weaknesses: insecurity, defensive, sensitive, childish, vindictive, argumentative, negative,  stuck in my head, un-observant, and I have tendencies to shut down during states of conflict.

These are things that came from her. Ultimately, she says she couldn’t be with me because she doesn’t know what she wants, where she’s going, what she’s doing, etc... She didn’t take my advice, clearly, but whatever. I just don’t understand why she’s with someone already with everything said and done, and I have no prospects.  I can’t get out and meet anyone because it’s hard to meet a single girl out there, hard to find one that’s not more interested in other girls, and online dating just blows the most.

Like I said, I didn’t have high expectations of the relationship, but it hurt a lot when we actually broke up. I wanted to explode inside, my heart hurt, couldn’t stop crying, and thinking about the good happy moments, then crying even more. I won’t get those moments back. I even thought about the bad times, but that made me cry too because I wouldn’t mind having those back either.

I want to be good friends now, but I don’t know what to think, how to feel, or how to act around her. I completely avoid everyone else in the past, and it makes it easier to not have to think or remember. I’d rather get teeth pulled than deal with this more. At least teeth is physical pain, but now I feel physical, emotional, and, worst of all, mental. It’s hard for me to control my mental pain. The mind is constantly going, and it goes to certain areas, then brings the emotions along.

 I’m apparently a great boyfriend, even though I know it’s not completely true because I know my faults, and now I wish I could change them, and have done something differently. I would’ve cherished our moments so much more. If I could only go back, but I can’t. I should’ve cherished them as much as possible anyway, and I shouldn’t have regrets. I should also know better than to think that changing something, or going back would actually make a difference. But you can never change a person’s free will, which means, you can’t make someone love you. Jim Carrey stands out a lot in my head right now with his movies ‘Bruce Almighty’, and ‘Eternal Sunshine’. They fit a large amount of my thoughts and feelings.

Now, I also feel even more scared about looking for someone else because I don’t want to feel like this AGAIN. So, it’s so much harder for me to let my heart go, as well as not wear it on my sleeve. Our relationship could’ve been perfect. I guess it’s the simple fact of being in two different places in life. Now, the song ‘Love isn’t Always On Time’ is playing in my head.


I will get a lot of writing done now, but I’m back to my dark stages, and romance. I suppose it’s meant to be that way. I’m better off alone, but I don’t want to be alone. She has said, “You’re a great boyfriend”, “I value your friendship”, “It’s not you, it’s me”, and “I’m broken, and I don’t know how to fix it.” One thing, you can’t fix anything of you keep breaking yourself and others over and over. Don’t runaway. Fight it, deal with it. All those lines I’ve heard many, many times before, and they still baffle me, as well as aggravate the living shit out of me. How am I not supposed to compare her to girls of the past. The only difference is she gave me a chance, a fairly long chance, but in the end I heard the same lines, felt the same way, thought the same thing, overall the same.

Every time this happens to me, there’s also another click. What are these clicks? What will they do? It doesn’t matter. I still believe in love, but it’s debatable for me personally. Many think they would love a guy like me, but they are horribly mistaken because I’m everything you want, but when you have it, you don’t want it. Now, here comes Third Eye Blind with their song.

I need to keep myself busy, and pray, to whoever, to send me someone that is perfect. Because no man should be alone. That reminds of this quote from the book and movie ‘Fallen Angel’.

"We were born to tread the Earth as angels, to seek out a heaven this side of the sky, but they who race alone shall stumble in the dark and fall from grace. Then, love alone can make the fallen angel rise, for only two can enter paradise."

I feel I’m over it all at this point, and comfortable with myself again. My main focus isn’t having a relationship. I’m focusing on a business relationship now. I just want to find people, mainly a girl, just to go out with because most of my friends have different schedules, or are just pure home-bodies. I’m double sided. I like to have alone time, but I’m also a social butterfly, and don’t like to be isolated for days on end, but that’s what I’ve been resorting to because I haven’t met new people, and every time I go out by myself, it’s not as fun as being with someone else. I’ll make it through. I have faith in myself, and feel that I will meet an older, classy, beautiful, and established woman who wants to snatch me before others realize what they’re missing.