I’m Everything You Don’t Want

Alright, prepare yourself. This is my rant about relationships. Those who have known me for a while may roll their eyes, but you have to admit, I haven’t talked about this, or complained for at least a year, so, I’m due. My mind is back to where it once was, which is getting all worked up about finding a girl, but now, it’s different.

I’m back to the dating game, and liking it a lot less than before. It’s hard to find people to go out with, much-less a girl to date. I’m very picky with who I want to even try to date, now. This online dating stuff is insane. So, I would probably have to explain the last relationship I had, we’ll call her Babe, was also my first and only relationship. So, you see how it might be a little difficult for me.

Through my whole life, starting from high school, I always wanted a girlfriend. I never got to tell my mother I had a girlfriend, or even introduce a girl to my mother, until Babe. Sure I had “girlfriends” in Elementary and Jr. High, but really, does that count? I have always had pursuits, but they ended quickly, either by me doing something stupid, losing interest, or being caught in the “friend zone”. I had at least two girls who I truly felt that I loved, and both broke my heart. Those are both stories on their own. I had “flings” in college, sure, but nothing serious. I’m always the friend. I helped so many people with their relationships, but when I started dealing with those questions from girls I had interest in, then I just stop caring to listen. I’ve always been the third wheel, the fifth wheel, or the crazy loner guy. Just constant struggle with women, although I’m not shy nor do I have difficulty approaching or talking to women. I can’t ever get them out of my head, and I can’t ever stop thinking about the last one until I have a new prospect of interest. I always think romantically, and wish I could show it to someone, or I get depressed and wish everyone was unhappy and single. I went through a huge ordeal with one female in particular, who isn’t even getting a fake name, and I broke down. I started to get aggravated and fed up with the idea of trying to find a girl. It’s so much work and trouble. I should just learn to be alone, and like it, then someone would come along. I got very comfortable with myself. Then, Babe came along.

I had met Babe in the past a few times, guess you can say we met through a friend. The last time I saw her, before we started dating, I thought she was a bitch, straight up. I went to a party at her place, aka her mom’s house, and tried to say hi a few times, but she ignored me, and gave me weird looks, then tried to be all nice and give me a hug when I left. She always had that bitch look to her (yes, I even told her this. Is that bad? I’m a honest and blunt person, but so was she). But when we started dating, she had moved out of her mom’s and was living with two roommates north of me, got in touch with me through the social network, and wanted to hang out. We started going out, and she was a lot of fun, and great to talk to. Of course, there was that tension between us. The first time we kissed she said, “Finally!” And I laughed. The relationship quickly developed from there.

We started dating sometime at the end of October - early November 2010, then considered it a relationship by the beginning of December. I went home for the holidays, which is a five hour trip, and I didn’t have a proper car, so, a family member picked me up. When it came time to come back, Babe wanted to come get me because she missed me. So, she came and spent a night or two with me and my family. She met majority of the important people in my life. That had never been done before, and it was crazy to me. We got in a big fight on the way back because I was being very selfish, thoughtless, and childish, but didn’t realize it at that point in time. It did not make for a good trip. We were also heading straight in on New Years Eve and going to a friends party. The entire night was awkward, and full of negative tension. It all spiraled from there I suppose.

I always had my doubts about the relationship from the beginning. I wasn’t totally into her, but I think I wanted to settle and try the whole relationship thing out. I tried my best to do romantic things, but she was hard to please. She didn’t seem to appreciate all the things I did. We had a lot of “fights”, and I even kinda broke up with her at one point because she was being a stupid, inconsiderate, hypocritical bitch. I was bawling, and talking to a friend about it, and she called back apologizing, etc...Then, she met me and my two friends at a restaurant, and we got back together, and it seemed like it was going to be better than ever.

She continued to have issues with family, living situations, and job situations. I was very accommodating and supportive. She stayed with me for a good while during her move out of one place, storing things at another, and leaving to go to Hawaii for a month, then come back to a new place. It was all crazy. Things got switched around, and she was there in Hawaii for our 6 month anniversary (June 2011). Our relationship ended exactly a week after our 7 month, which was the same day I got my new car, and she broke up with me while having brunch in a restaurant. Bad timing.

Sure, she says it wasn’t planned, but that still freakin’ sucks. Especially since she was the motivation behind me getting a car. That was a problem with us, my car sucked real bad, so, she drove a lot. I paid for gas many times, but she still fought with me about it. I also have to mention that I have a thyroid disease, and if I’m off my medication for a long period of time, I have certain symptoms, ie: depression and hormonal mood swings, aka a woman. That being said, she made me cry quite a few times. Sometimes it was because she was very tactless in a lot of things she said, and when she said it. That and sometimes I would cry out of anger because that is better than being violent or verbally abusive. This lack of medication is also the cause of many other thoughts, feelings, and argument issues.

It was all very confusing, still is. We were at different places, and blah, blah, blah. While I’m typing this I’m even thinking to myself, “what the hell are you complaining about?” And the answer is, “I don’t know.” I’m lonely and depressed again, and it has to come out. I’ve been wanting to get this out, so, maybe I can feel better and move on. She moved on, by early December because she’s already in a relationship. That’s what mainly concerns me, and bothers me. What does that really say about her? What does that say about me? About me and her? There are so many answers to those questions, and all of them never leave my head. Should I talk to her about this? If so, what would I say? Her picture and name is always there on the social network. She’s got her and her boyfriend together as her profile picture (they look fake happy). I heard he’s a dick too, and think he’s a game designer, or something of the nature. It seems to me she’s rushing into another relationship, which won’t end well, and will end in the near future. I project by the end February, or at least it will start dropping downhill quickly. I know that because there seems to be a pattern with the dates here, whether she realizes it or not.

All in all, I think we were wrong for each other, but it could’ve worked out, I feel. I just know that my strengths in a relationship are:  listening, accommodating, romantic, caring, funny, creative, passionate, ambitious, attractive, intelligent, thoughtful, being great, good at kissing and other things. My weaknesses: insecurity, defensive, sensitive, childish, vindictive, argumentative, negative,  stuck in my head, un-observant, and I have tendencies to shut down during states of conflict.

These are things that came from her. Ultimately, she says she couldn’t be with me because she doesn’t know what she wants, where she’s going, what she’s doing, etc... She didn’t take my advice, clearly, but whatever. I just don’t understand why she’s with someone already with everything said and done, and I have no prospects.  I can’t get out and meet anyone because it’s hard to meet a single girl out there, hard to find one that’s not more interested in other girls, and online dating just blows the most.

Like I said, I didn’t have high expectations of the relationship, but it hurt a lot when we actually broke up. I wanted to explode inside, my heart hurt, couldn’t stop crying, and thinking about the good happy moments, then crying even more. I won’t get those moments back. I even thought about the bad times, but that made me cry too because I wouldn’t mind having those back either.

I want to be good friends now, but I don’t know what to think, how to feel, or how to act around her. I completely avoid everyone else in the past, and it makes it easier to not have to think or remember. I’d rather get teeth pulled than deal with this more. At least teeth is physical pain, but now I feel physical, emotional, and, worst of all, mental. It’s hard for me to control my mental pain. The mind is constantly going, and it goes to certain areas, then brings the emotions along.

 I’m apparently a great boyfriend, even though I know it’s not completely true because I know my faults, and now I wish I could change them, and have done something differently. I would’ve cherished our moments so much more. If I could only go back, but I can’t. I should’ve cherished them as much as possible anyway, and I shouldn’t have regrets. I should also know better than to think that changing something, or going back would actually make a difference. But you can never change a person’s free will, which means, you can’t make someone love you. Jim Carrey stands out a lot in my head right now with his movies ‘Bruce Almighty’, and ‘Eternal Sunshine’. They fit a large amount of my thoughts and feelings.

Now, I also feel even more scared about looking for someone else because I don’t want to feel like this AGAIN. So, it’s so much harder for me to let my heart go, as well as not wear it on my sleeve. Our relationship could’ve been perfect. I guess it’s the simple fact of being in two different places in life. Now, the song ‘Love isn’t Always On Time’ is playing in my head.


I will get a lot of writing done now, but I’m back to my dark stages, and romance. I suppose it’s meant to be that way. I’m better off alone, but I don’t want to be alone. She has said, “You’re a great boyfriend”, “I value your friendship”, “It’s not you, it’s me”, and “I’m broken, and I don’t know how to fix it.” One thing, you can’t fix anything of you keep breaking yourself and others over and over. Don’t runaway. Fight it, deal with it. All those lines I’ve heard many, many times before, and they still baffle me, as well as aggravate the living shit out of me. How am I not supposed to compare her to girls of the past. The only difference is she gave me a chance, a fairly long chance, but in the end I heard the same lines, felt the same way, thought the same thing, overall the same.

Every time this happens to me, there’s also another click. What are these clicks? What will they do? It doesn’t matter. I still believe in love, but it’s debatable for me personally. Many think they would love a guy like me, but they are horribly mistaken because I’m everything you want, but when you have it, you don’t want it. Now, here comes Third Eye Blind with their song.

I need to keep myself busy, and pray, to whoever, to send me someone that is perfect. Because no man should be alone. That reminds of this quote from the book and movie ‘Fallen Angel’.

"We were born to tread the Earth as angels, to seek out a heaven this side of the sky, but they who race alone shall stumble in the dark and fall from grace. Then, love alone can make the fallen angel rise, for only two can enter paradise."

I feel I’m over it all at this point, and comfortable with myself again. My main focus isn’t having a relationship. I’m focusing on a business relationship now. I just want to find people, mainly a girl, just to go out with because most of my friends have different schedules, or are just pure home-bodies. I’m double sided. I like to have alone time, but I’m also a social butterfly, and don’t like to be isolated for days on end, but that’s what I’ve been resorting to because I haven’t met new people, and every time I go out by myself, it’s not as fun as being with someone else. I’ll make it through. I have faith in myself, and feel that I will meet an older, classy, beautiful, and established woman who wants to snatch me before others realize what they’re missing.

A Decision in Publishing

If you could help me out, please. I want to try a quick shot at getting published in an issue of Crazy Horse. The deadline is January 15, so, I don't feel I have enough time to write a whole new story that's good. I figured I could use one of the stories I've already done, but I need help deciding which is the better of the two, and some ideas to help tweak it (ie: certain details that I could be more specific or elaborate, spelling, grammar, loose ends, anything to help out). I want to choose one of the two. They are both posted on my site. One is 'Blue', which was posted in December 2010, or 'Waiting on an Angel' which I posted in July 2011. Just click the names to be directed to the stories. You can either send me a private e-mail, or leave a comment in the comment section. I'd greatly appreciate help on this. I'm just trying to throw myself out there. You never know what could happen. Thanks a ton! :)

Batman Saga Review

Batman is the greatest comic book hero, ever! I’ve been so pumped recently waiting for ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ to come out in theaters. That is not my #1 movie to see this new year of 2012, but I’m very excited to see it. In being all worked up about the movie, I took the idea of a friend and fellow blogger, and watched all Batman movies currently out, back to back and wrote reviews. Yes, there were sleep intervals, and other breaks, but I watched them. Since I planned on writing an overall review, I paid a lot of attention, and was surprised at how much, and what, I wrote.

There isn't an Adam West Batman movie review. Just incase you were wanting to bash me later, don’t bother because I don’t feel that the Adam West Batman compares to the other Batman movies. Although I love that movie, and West is awesome, the quality of that film doesn't compare to the quality of the other Batman movies...except maybe one. Also, I don't own the Adam West movie, but own all the others.

Batman

Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson, and Kim Bassinger. Tim Burton directs and Danny Elfman does music.

I’m getting this out of the way now, Michael Keaton is the best Batman AND Bruce Wayne. He’s totally great, the wealthy business playboy, and the emotionless dark vigilante. There are times when you think that he may not be a bad ass fighter, but I realized that I can blame it on choreography being horrible. Which it is, the number one thing that bothered me was bad fight scenes.

Jack Nicholson as the Joker was awesome. He used jokes as great kills, he made a game out of the things he did, and he laughed a lot. His face was great. I couldn’t have asked for a better duo in the film. Kim Bassinger is very attractive “love interest” for Bruce/Batman. I didn’t like how her, and most of the people in the film found out who Batman really is though.

The duo of Burton and Elfman in this film is awesome. I think they are perfect together, and for Batman. Burton brought a lot of somewhat dark cartoony look and feel to the realism of Batman. It was a nice blend, which works. This movie also has the best Bat Car.

Overall Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Batman Returns

Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Danny DeVito. Tim Burton directs and Danny Elfman does the music.

Again, Keaton is #1. Michelle Pfeiffer is A-MAZING! She so hot and sensual it’s unbearable. I know I don’t even have to explain how great she is in every way. I just...Ugh. She’s just wonderful, and Catwoman/Selina is a great “love interest” for Batman/Bruce. Danny DeVito is really creepy and cool. He looks, sounds, and acts like a human Penguin. I just once wanted to see him in the full outfit with the coat, top hat, stemmed ciggarette, glasses, and umbrella. We got the image, minus glasses and cig. I’m dealing with it though. I loved the story of the villains coming to be, and how the names relate. Also, how the actors related to the characters name and life. Just an all round great acting job.

Again, Burton and Elfman work great together. Christopher Walken was great, I love him as a “villain” type character. There were just times the way his hair and costume were made him look weird. It threw off my focus sometimes. Also, the fighting was still pretty bad, and I didn’t like that everyone found out Bruce was Batman.

There was always something that threw me off about this movie and I never knew what it was, but I think I discovered it now. The movie seems really static. There’s no real up or down. The story is constantly moving, which is cool, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. It’s like walking down the street and seeing obstacles around you, rather than walking down the street through obstacles as an audience member.

Overall Rating: 8

Batman Forever

Val Kilmer, Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Nicole Kidman, and Chris O’Donnell. Joel Schumaker directs.

Val Kilmer makes an okay Batman, and a terrible Bruce Wayne. He was too much like a pompous businessman, runs weird, and has a creepy smile. I mean, I usually like Val Kilmer, but not here. Jim Carrey is awesome! Yes, I am biased on Jim Carrey in most cases, but everyone has to admit Carrey is perfect for The Riddler. The Riddler was always my favorite villain next to the Joker, so, this just makes me happy. Tommy Lee Jones could make a good Two-Face, but I blame the director for me not liking him that much in the film. I thought Two-Face’s costume was a great idea, but too flashy, and wanna be rockstar-ish. I may be able to get over the costume had his face not have been pink, as well as his hair. I mean, it was just too colorful and cartoony, which, Tommy acted way too cartoony and comedic, you think he was wanting to be The Joker. Nicole Kidman is very attractive in this movie, as always, but I don’t feel her character is necessary, other than a “love interest”, which isn’t needed in this film. Chris O’Donnell as Robin works, I guess. I understand trying to fit him in because Robin is a big part, but I don’t know, maybe it’s because they are fitting in so much already. So, no real quarrels with Chris, but his character in the film was lame.

The whole movie was way too colorful and flashy. Batman isn’t supposed to be that way. I don’t like how it starts right in the middle with Two-face, then somewhat explained the story. The story was horribly portrayed at that. I like seeing the stories and build up of characters, and I didn’t get it. It was all just completely over the top. Why the Batman butt shot? Why is The Riddler’s face deformed when talking to Batman after the big box thing is destroyed? We never see this happen, and then when Riddler is at Asylum, his face is not deformed. This has always bothered me. The very end of the film with them running toward the camera, what the heck? Oh, and the composed music sucks, but the Soundtrack is awesome. I use to own that soundtrack, and listened often. The soundtrack and Jim Carrey are really the only good things about this movie, and saved it in my rating. This film had real potential to be great, but I think Joel dropped the ball...or whoever hired him anyway.

Overall Rating: 5.5

Batman and Robin

George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, and Alicia Silverstone. Joel Schumaker directs.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t even want to write a review about this, but I will. George Clooney sucks. Chris O’Donnell sucks. Arnold makes an okay Freeze, but probably could’ve been better had the movie not sucked in general. Uma Thurman is hot and perfect as Poison Ivy, too bad the movie sucked. Alicia Silverstone is hot, and I’ve always had a celebrity crush on her, but she made a terrible Batgirl, and her character should not have been in the movie in the first place.

Again, this movie is way too colorful, flashy, and over-the-top. The color and stuff works with Posion Ivy, and in some instances with Freeze, but all the other colors throughout should have been toned down, or thrown out. Limit yourself Joel, damn, you ruined Batman.

Batman/Bruce already has a woman? What’s the point? Stop cramming shit in the film. There’s little to no choreography in the film. Bane was stupid and pointless, and I’m glad Christopher Nolan is fixing that. Alfred suddenly has the disease that Freeze’s wife has? Too many cliche’ lines, terrible dialogue, and the end “car chase scene”, when Freeze is freezing the city, is the worst scene ever. Clearly low budget studio set. It was just horrific. And Poison Ivy’s end? What the hell was that? The actual end blows too.

This is the one that would compare to the Adam West Batman. You almost may think Joel is trying to pay homage to that movie, but I'm sure this wasn't a crappy movie on purpose.

The only thing I liked, rather than Uma Thurman, was her entrance at the Flower Ball. It was amazing and blood pumping. Her Turkish Bath looked great as well. Oh, and I enjoyed the Batgirl butt shot, so, I take back the comment I made on the previous film because I understand now.

Overall Rating: 3.5

Note: I enjoyed that through all four films Alfred and Commissioner Gordon were the same actors, and they did a wonderful job.

Batman Begins

Christian Bale, Liam Neeson, Cillian Murphy, Tom Wilkinson, Michael Cain, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, and Katie Holmes. Christopher Nolan directs.

Bale makes a pretty good Batman and Bruce. I have no quarrels, but still like Keaton. People talk about Batman’s voice, but I understand, and it doesn’t bother me. At least it’s not George Clooney. Liam Neeson is great, and a good villain type. Cillian Murphy is awesome, but I wish there was more with the Scarecrow. Tom Wilkinson blew me away with portraying the boss. He was a great bad guy, and I would never have pegged him as one. Cain was a great choice as Alfred, and is awesome all together. Oldman is fantastic, and I’m glad he’s Gordon. Morgan Freeman is a great addition to the all-star cast, and fits perfectly. Katie Holmes is so freakin’ cute with her sideways smile. I can’t hate on her, even though I think her character is a bitch, and shouldn’t have that much of an effect on Bruce like she does.

The film has great darkness and realism to it, and I love seeing the story of the build up of Bruce to Batman. I also enjoyed the background with Bruce’s parents, and how they died. I liked how it was just a random mugger, and not a villain because it brings more meaning. Bruce’s parents always made an impact on Bruce/Batman, and the city itself, but we never saw that until now. I also like how the Wayne business helps Batman, it makes more sense. The fight chorogography is great, either that, or it’s just properly edited and directed. The use of unknown villains is great. It brought more realism and structure to the batman Franchise. I never heard of Raz-aghul until this film, and it worked well. I remember seeing Scarecrow in the cartoons, but I don’t think the characters compare. I just wanted more Scarecrow overall.

The League of Shadows fit and explains Batman’s techniques because batman is a ninja. This is the first film where you see the beginning of Batman, and it’s a great story. Batman is a horrific monster to these criminals, and it’s a great portrayal. Seeing Gordon develop into his Commissioner position makes things better as well. There’s more meaning to the story as a whole. I love the use of bats in the movie, and the Bat Car is really cool, but I still like the original. I wish they would combine the two.

The last scene with Bruce and Rachel, she sounds like a bitch. Trying to make Bruce someone else so he can have her. I could be with you if you would just be this way for me. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. Let’s see. That’s dumb, and I would’ve wanted to slap her. Although I like that she’s the “love interest” because she’s not really one at all. Best to keep it that way.

I do like how Bruce being Batman is pretty much a secret to everyone the whole time. Only people who need to know, know.  The music was good and fitting too, but I’d be interested to see what Nolan and Elfman would’ve done together.

Overall Rating: 9

The Dark Knight

Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Cain, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, and Maggie Gyllanhal. Christopher Nolan directs.

Bale is still good, I just think he looks too scrawny in this one. I remember thinking the same when I saw it in theaters. He must’ve done ‘The Fighter’ and/or ‘The Machinist’ before this film. Heath Ledger was absolutely fantastic as the Joker. He brought great mad realism to the character. I love his joke moments, I only wish he laughed more. Aaron Eckhart was great as Harvey Dent, and Two-Face. Loved the story build up of both villains, and Two-Face looks like it should look (not pink and cartoony). I just wish there was more of Two-Face being a villain. Maggie I usually like and find attractive, but not in this film. I almost wish Katie would’ve come back.

I love the start it sets a great tone for the Joker, and the movie. I enjoy this prologue better than the current one for the final Nolan Batman film ‘Dark Knight Rises’. I don’t know how I feel about the Scarecrow scene, then we hear nothing about it later. It just happens, and it’s done. Joker’s make-up was great, and I love how he comes up with different stories about his scars. The video Joker makes with the guy he hangs off the side of the building was perfectly creepy. The scene with Joker crashing the fundraiser looking for Dent is one of my favorite scenes. It’s scary and funny. The car scene is a favorite too. The Joker gets out of the crashed truck stumbling, and stands there yelling, “Hit me!” It was intense and great.

The scene with Reese trying to talk to Fox about blackmailing Bruce was awesome, but when Reese actually was trying to do it on TV made things better. He deserves consequences for trying to do that, and Joker’s idea was awesome, and made the movie way more intense because civilians are going after him. Which, leads to the blowing up of the hospital. That end part made me laugh with Joker standing there pressing the button, wondering why it’s not going off. I think it fits perfectly.

It’s ironically funny that there’s a scene with Bruce and Fox, and Bruce asks about the suit being resistant to dogs, and Fox responds, “should work fine against cats”. Foreshadowing? Like the scene with the sonar, and they put emphasis on ‘submarine’? Will there be a submarine scene as well as Catwoman in the new film?

The final dialogue between Joker and Batman was perfect. “This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object.”  “You can’t kill me by some code of honor, and I can’t kill you because you’re just too much fun.”

Overall rating: 9.5

That’s my opinion and reviews over the Batman movies. I’m very much looking forward to seeing ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ this year. I’m glad he’s doing Bane as the villain because he’s not a well known villain, and the character was ruined in ‘Batman and Robin’. I expect Nolan to do wonderful things. Judging from what I’ve seen and read, Anne Hathaway as Catwoman still teeters on the line. She could make a great Selina, but maybe not Catwoman. We’ll see. I have enough faith in Nolan to make it work. I still wish the first rumor was true with Joseph Gordon Levitt or Johnny Depp as The Riddler, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Penguin. That would’ve made an interesting film. He will be first and only to direct a Batman trilogy, and second to do a comic book hero trilogy; first being Sam Rami with Spiderman, which, the new ‘Amazing Spiderman’ comes out this year as well, and I’m interested in seeing. The Avengers, Ghost Rider, and Superman are other comic movies to come out this year. Year of Heroes, I guess.

Online Dating

This is ridiculous. I can’t stand online dating, but I still do it. I’m glad it tends to work for some people, but not really for this guy. I’m not sure if that just says something about myself, or what, but in my opinion I’m quite a catch, and I feel I deserve responses. I look for girls and message them if I feel we have enough in common to talk and/or hang out. I’m mainly looking for friends to go out and do things with. Most of my friends are in relationships and don’t really do much because they are huge homebodys’. When they do go out with me, it’s never really where I want to go, and I’m tired of being a third wheel. I’ve been that way too much, too long (that story is going to come in another post). The friends who aren’t in a relationships, which is very, very few, don’t do much either.

I like to sit at home and watch movies, surf the net for random and/or useful information, or play games and such. I also like to go out dancing, playing games somewhere else (bowling, putt-putt, billiards, etc...), experience new places, or go on random adventures. I will stay out late and wake up early for work if I have to. My work is crazy, so, I have a crazy sleep schedule, and I’m a night owl to boot. I like to have fun, have interesting conversations, or even simply enjoy someone’s company, which means just having someone there.

Now, I’m down to where I really don’t have anyone, not even “just a friend” to call up and say, “hey, you wanna go out and do this?” Is it worse to say that I find shit to do at home rather than go out just because no one will go with me? Or is it worse to go do things, and simply wander around alone? The bad thing about wandering around alone or doing things alone, is it’s kinda boring. Not to say I’m a boring person, but I like to do things for others, do things with others, and do things just to entertain or see others reactions. When I do this on my own, I’m considered crazy or stupid. I’m easily adaptable, laid back, nice, respectable guy, and I don’t understand why I have so few friends now, and why I don’t get responses for online dating.




Any time I try to meet women the proper way, which is getting out and actually meeting them, I run into ones that are taken. I’ve pursed a taken girl before, and it didn’t go well. So, I avoid women in relationships almost all together, unless there’s a certain reason. I also don’t have much time to be able to go out and meet girls, and where are the best places to go and meet women anyway? I don’t really want to meet a girl at a bar, unless all I want is for us to be physically attracted to each other, and have fun a few times that night, then never speak or see each other again. That’s not what I want...well, honestly a part of me wouldn’t mind, but that still would lead me to the point that I wouldn’t have anyone to go out and do things with.

I just don’t know how to present myself properly to women over writing and posting pictures. Because I guarantee if they could meet me in person they’d have a really hard time not liking me, or not having fun with me, at least. I’d also like to say that my public self is different than my private self, if you know what I mean.

I guess, overall, online dating sucks for me because girls don’t respond to my sweet and unique messages ( I don’t open up with, or say only “hey beautiful”, “damn girl you fine”, or “wanna get down and dirty? I got pics for ya.”). Very few girls even view my profile, and all of them, I repeat, ALL OF THEM never respond after viewing my profile. The only few that have responded to me, only responded because I messaged first. I think the guy should message first, but if girls are going to be overly picky and judgmental, then they have to grow some balls and message us first. The old fashioned ways are dead, or dying dramatically fast.

Since I’m a little old fashioned, I don’t like how some sites want you to pay for online dating. Why pay to try and meet someone? So, now guys have to pay to meet girls, if the girls want to meet at all, and pay for the date? Then, if something gets started they pay for a lot of other things in the relationship? This just makes no sense to me.

I have also come across dating sites where I get tons of messages, but all of them are girls wanting to get my credit card number, and watch them on their webcam. That doesn’t make sense to me either because you can find porn sites that you can watch girls on cam for free. So, if I have the option between giving credit info, and watching/”talking” to a girl through webcam, or free porn. I choose free porn.





Either I’m right in thinking online dating is just stupid, or I need someone to give me some pointers, and how to make it work in my favor. I also think that the woman I might actually want to meet and/or be with, wouldn’t be searching for people online. I’ve actually met two girls from online dating, and they didn’t work out well because, like I said, people are different in person than in an online profile, and writing messages. One may have worked out, but I was f an asshole because I had to blow her off since me and another person had started a relationship. Obviouslykind o, that relationship is over, otherwise I would not be in this position...again. I’m planning on writing a relationships post in the very near future, so, if you’re interested in reading/knowing, be on the lookout. That’s my opinion about online dating.

Positively Thinking Positive

“Look on the bright side!” “Things could be worse.” “Be a little more optimistic, and maybe things will turn out better.” I’ve heard all these things before, and much more. What does it mean to be positive all the time? How do some consider others “negative thinkers”? Is there a way to consider yourself realistic, taking and saying things the way they are, or even just having a cynical view of the world, and not be considered negative or pessimistic? Like I always say, I feel it lies in the necessary balance.

Being negative is focusing and concentrating on the bad events of your life, or just your day. Like if some stupid driver pisses you off, and you gripe about it all day, then your thinking negatively. It’s also considered negative if you beat yourself up all the time; living in your in-securities. You focus on thinking about what others could be thinking, wondering what they are saying about you. You need absolute reassurance that they enjoyed something you said or did. Otherwise, if they don’t say anything, then you automatically assume the worst.  Anything that is intrusive, aggressive, upsetting, depressing, or inappropriate is negative. This can lead to being a manic depressant, having OCD, or an anxiety disorder.

In my world, if something upsets me, then I express it. I can’t stop feeling, and it needs to come out instead of keeping it inside. I don’t see myself as focusing on it, or having it ruin my day. I just have strong feelings and opinions. I can say that I do think and look way too much into a lot of things, and I’m very insecure, but the way I see it is that I depend on others to like and enjoy what I’m doing because I don’t just do things for myself. I do things that help me stay grounded and sane, but I do it ultimately in hopes to help, teach, or inspire someone. In order for me to be happy, I have to make others happy.  I say certain things about people, and the way things are going in the world, and I speak about how much it upsets me, but I’m not trying to be negative. I’m just saying the facts of what is going on, and expressing my feelings. I’m empathetic to those who are treated wrong, and unequally. I’m a huge idealist with firm opinions. I believe things can be the way we all want. We just have to convince the majority of the population that it can work, and we can all do it together, but there are too many skeptics. These are the ones I feel as negative. The ones who just avoid the things around them because they “don’t want to worry about it”. If it’s not happening to them in their life, then they don’t care. I’m not saying that I’m doing everything right because I’m not. There’s so much more that I can/should  be doing to help, but I too am stuck in this zombified world. I can say I’m speaking out and doing more than some. I’m noticing and realizing certain things, and I’m beginning to prepare. I’m looking for my “call to action”, or my “open door”. So, to me, saying that we live in a messed up world full of ridiculous people upsets me, and we should ban together to do something about it; is basically saying what is real, not being negative.

Being positive is looking on the bright side of life. Forgetting the bad things, and remembering the good. Instead of saying, “That damn driver! Could’ve killed someone!” You say, “Well, at least I didn’t die, and I made it to my destination safely.” Always concentrate on your strengths, and don’t fret over your weaknesses. Positive thinking is like a muscle that you just work, learn to use it, and it gets stronger. Whatever it takes in order to make you feel better and happy about your future is being optimistic or positive. If you concentrate on all these things, and feel it inside you; know that’s what you want and what you can get, then, you will attract all that you want. You will feel brighter, and others will say, “There’s something different about you.” You will realize and notice that you enjoy your life much more than before. All you have to do, is stay positive.

I believe this 300%, but it’s easier said than done. That’s why I think it should be about the balance. I mean, let’s face it, shit’s going to happen, and you’re going to feel negative about it at some point. So, why runaway from it,  or block it? Embrace it, appreciate it, and learn from it. If you had to put yourself on a strict diet with no sugar, then how often would you think, “Damn, a doughnut sounds real freakin’ good right now”? I’d think about it every second. But if I just gave myself restrictions, I’d be better off.

When I put myself on a diet with no sugar, I really mean I can put sugar in my coffee and tea, and have one doughnut twice a week, but that’s all. I’d have myself a comfort zone and feel more inclined to probably put less sugar in my drinks because I’ll know that I’ll get what I really want, eventually, and soon. I’d have a goal for the week. Work my butt off for that delicious doughnut.. Mmmmm...




Sorry, went off on a tangent. Really thinking about doughnuts. Back to where I was, which was balancing positive and negative thinking. That says it right there. You have to balance it, otherwise it won’t work. How many things work with just the negative end of a battery? Or just the positive end? Right now, I can’t think of anything. I always see the + AND - symbols. That tells me you need both. Maybe I’m just blind.

I think it goes back to when I was a kid. All of us as kids said some nasty things to others. I would tell my sister, “You’re stupid.” Then, Mom would say, “Tell your sister you’re sorry” or, “Take it back!” For one, sorry can only go so far. Sometimes, sorry just doesn’t cut it. Secondly, you can’t take something back, it’s already been said. It’s out there. She already thinks I think she’s stupid. Sometimes some people remember moments like that all their life. It’s weird, but they do. I do. That’s why I think it should balance, or positive out weigh the negative. So, my mom could have said, “Okay, that means you better say you’re sorry, and say two nice things about her.” Cancel the negative out, and end on a positive. That sounds reasonable to me.

Next time your pissed off at a crazy driver, remember how upset you got, and what you said, then try and make sure that you feel equally as you did in that situation with a positive situation, and use equally positive words to express yourself about it. It may be a long shot, but it could work in your favor. At the end of the night before you go to bed you can say, “That damn driver pissed me off, but I got to eat the heck out of that lovely doughnut.”

I think if someone tells you they think you’re a negative person, then they have a personal problem with negativity. Meaning, they obviously don’t know how to overlook your negativity, and just continue being positive themselves. They certainly aren’t offering to help. So, when someone tells you, “You’re a sweet person, but you’re so negative", then they block you from contact,  you tell them, “Well, now that’s not very positive.”

If I do feel like I’m in a negative slump, then I have certain things that I like to do.
1) Read positive motivating quotes
2) Watch things I know will make me laugh
3) Read an uplifting book
4) Set a small short goal and achieve it
5) Write
6) Make art
7) Ask others for help and kind words
8) Exercise
9)Cuddle with my dog, Max
10) Drink and/or take drugs to pass out

All these things and more make bad days easier and faster to get through. Whatever it takes to make you feel better and get happy, then that’s the right positive thing to do. Always make sure your balanced.

I bought three books the other day to help be more positive: ‘The Daily Book of Positive Quotations’ by Linda Picone, ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne, and ‘The Happiness Project’ by Gretchen Rubin. I read the dated page everyday for the daily quotations. The quotes are great, thoughtful, and inspiring. I’ve started reading ‘The Secret’. I really like it and I have already seen the documentary movie over it, which is why I bought the book. I know I will like it because this movie told me things I already knew, but it put it in a manner where I could understand and relate. It hit me in the head, “Duh!” It also brought some light into things I didn’t know, which is better.I recommend the book and movie to everyone, especially those with depression, negative, or financial troubles. I haven’t started the other book, but it seems really cool and interesting.

What I’m trying to say is that you should never always be negative, or positive. They are both going to happen because they have to, and there’s no changing. Just lean more on the positive side. Don’t get so focused on avoiding real things that are there just because you “don’t want to worry about it”. As depressing as the world may be, you have to know what’s going on. Watch, learn, and understand the negative side to use it to your advantage. “Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer” can fit in this situation. Not only am I trying to convince you of all this, but I’m also convincing myself. I hope this helps people who need it like I did. Even if it just made you giggle, it’s an achievement.

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.” ~ George Washington Carver, the quote for December 8 in ‘The Daily Book of Positive Quotes’







“One piece of wisdom that didn’t resonate with me initally was the importance with keeping happy memories vivid. But as I mulled over this principle, I realized the tremendous value of mementos that help prompt positive memories. Studies show that recalling happy times helps boost happiness in the present.When people reminisce, they focus on positive memories, with the result that recalling the past amplifies the positive and minimizes the negative.” ~ Gretchen Rubin in her book ‘The Happiness Project’

“Another thing people wonder about is, “How long will it take to manifest the car, the relationship, the money?” I don’t have any rule book that says it’s going to take thirty minutes or three days or thirty days. it’s more a matter of you being in alignment with the Universe itself.” ~ Dr. Joe Vitale from the book ‘The Secret’

A Look in the Mirror

If you read my last post about Black Friday, then you will know most of the story here. After those comments that I posted, some more messages went back and forth. I won't post, or tell people word for word unless people actually care. All in all, it was a bunch of insulting personal remarks. After searching through all the comments it boils down to him calling me stupid, obese, rude, offensive, disrespectful, self-centered, self-righteous, arrogant, a jerk, a hater, jealous, have anger issues, pompous, and an idiot. All from a small initial remark.

I never once said something insulting to him. He says I was implying insults. I would like to clarify that I said I thought it was ridiculous that people wait 8 hours, and camp to buy cheap things. Some people think the war is ridiculous. Some think watching football is ridiculous. People don't get offended if you say something like that. Then, it comes down to the fact I said that consumerism initiates a major problem in our world/society. That means people wait and fight for things. People get shot, pepper sprayed, etc... Only to buy something that will probably not get used that much, and just wasted in the end. When you throw something out, where does it go? There can only be so many hand-me-downs, or re-selling items. Do they recycle all of this stuff that is being consumed. Do they donate all of this stuff to needy people? In some cases yes, but it only goes so far. Imagine if we all had to wait and fight for food and water. If people act like this for buying things, then everyone will probably kill each other. I'm not trying to be pompous or self-righteous. I'm just discussing things that I've seen and witnessed. I understand that consumerism is giving jobs to people, but it's really not because if it were, then there wouldn't be so many out of jobs. Big places replace people with machines, or people who will work harder for cheaper, am I wrong? How much does it cost to make a TV? We'll say for these purposes $80. Now, on a regular basis, they may sell this TV for $300. Now, Black Friday comes along, and they do one of two things, make the TV worth $40, and sell it for $150; or just sell the $80 for $200. Sure, you're getting an item closer to the value, but is it worth it?

Whatever, it doesn't matter. What matters is he insulted me when I made a general remark. I started to take up for myself, and never used negative words, or insulted him. Then, he says for me to leave him alone, or it will be considered harassment. But how can I just take it? I feel like I'm not standing up for myself if he gets the last word and says horrible things about me. I don't think I'm any of these bad things, and I wouldn't think I would be like this. Obviously, there is some truth. I lost a different "friend" because they thought that I was one, if not all these things. Not only did this other person stop being my friend, but they blocked me completely. I was just with this person on Thanksgiving, and I don't believe I did anything wrong towards them, but I guess I did.

This is where I start to feel torn apart. I'm trying to re-evaluate my life now. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just trying to be me, and all I want is for everyone to be happy, get treated equally, and people get what they deserve. I'm trying to continue my life, and be positive, but even when I'm trying to be positive and fight for what I think is right, I still get insults. I'm not trying to say that I'm right. Everything I say and do is right. That's not me. I'm an idealist with firm opinions. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I do when my motivation is to take care of others. That's my job, literally, to cater to people's needs.

I guess I'm just trying to be respectful and be the bigger man and leave this person alone, even though it's killing me. Now, I'm trying to justify myself here on my public blog. I want to prove I do not fit any of these insulting remarks, but I don't know how. How can I fix something I don't see? After losing this one person, I really feel sick to my stomach. I wish people would just communicate with me, and help me if I need it. I thought I'd been feeling good recently, and just rolling with the tide. This being after my depression stage, now I feel my life in a tumble again. Is my life going the direction I want it, or where it's supposed to go? I still haven't found my place anywhere. No "home". I don't fit in. Should I just stick to cooking? Should I continue writing and acting? Should I just live my life in solitude? I mean, I feel really bad, and confused with everything.

Who is this person staring back at me? It's not the same as in the past, but is it who I wanted to see for the future? Is this who I want to see now? Where will you go? What will you do? Who will you be? The image changes constantly.

 "We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done."~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Life is like a permanent job interview. We walk into the interview feeling as if we are capable of doing almost anything- if life just gave us a chance. But life insists on asking us what we've actually done. A kind person is a person who acts kindly to others. An honest person is a person who tells the truth and is fair to others. Understanding what others see in us can help us become more like the person we perceives ourselves to be. I wonder what others think when they look at me. I will take a hard look at myself to make sure my actions align with the person I believe I am." ~ from 'The Daily Book of Positive Quotations' by Linda Picone

Black Friday 2011

What I'm going to do is post a conversation I had with someone. They are unnamed out of respect. Some may know what I'm talking about, but many won't. It shows my thoughts and feelings on Black Friday, and shows a view of someone on the other side. I will let you all read and come up with things on your own, so you can decide what really concerns you. Note, this is not a personal attack to anyone, but merely my opinions, and the opinion of another, but I think the topic and issues at hand are very important right now. I will have some closing remarks, and videos at the end. Please, feel free to have open discussions in the comments section.

 Conversation:

Initial statement from ME:

So, at about 4ish today, I drove by Best Buy to see many many people waiting outside for them to open at midnight. You realize how ridiculous you people are, right?

2nd statement from ME (regarding someone saying that they are waiting until 4-6am to shop).

‎1) still feel like it will be crowded 2) You may not get the shoes you want and 3) the other 2 make it all not worth shopping at all. It's just stuff, and manufacturers plan for this crap, so, when you buy cheaper, you get cheaper products. Jus sayin'...

1st Statement from THEM:

 I actually take offense. When it comes to video games and other such electronic equipment, you are getting the same product you would at half the price. You can think that's ridiculous, I think it's a good deal.
Also, how ridiculous were we when you drove out simply to look at us? Haters gonna hate I guess.




ME:
I was driving to Pluckers, and Best Buy was on the way, and some of those ridiculous people were also disrespectful and stupid because they were in the way of others actually trying to get places. Stopping in the middle of the road to unload groups to sit and wait. I still stand firm on the fact that even video games and electronic equipment are just things. Why go through all that trouble to get something, that pretty much had no life value, only because it's cheaper. There are other things some people can spend their time and money on other than waiting to compete with others in order to buy things cheap. I like electronics and games as much as the next person, but I don't schedule my life to get these things cheaper before everyone else. It all instigates the overall problem with our world/society.

THEM:
Listen, you can sit there and spout "It's just things, man" but if you like video games as much as you say, you appreciate the value of a good deal. And I honestly believe the bigger problem in society is people, such as you, who think they are superior to everyone else. Elitism does exist, as you prove by living and breathing. I'm sorry I got in your way because I enjoy getting the people I care about gifts for the Holidays. Sorry I don't have enough money to blow, but I think you should be a little respectful toward those of us that aren't made of money. Also, Pluckers? "That's just wings, man." And in the end you were doing the same thing I was, spending money in public.

ME:
I never said I was superior to everyone else. I was only wondering why people do these things, which only involves the people camping hours at a time to buy things. I feel the same way about people camping to see movies. Wait a little bit, and when things die down, then go, and get a better experience. I do appreciate the value of a good deal, but I'm not going to wait and fight for it when I didn't need it. I didn't go to Plucker's to spend money in public. I went to watch the football game because I don't have cable, and I didn't have to wait 8 hours to do all of that, so, how does it compare to the situation? I never said that I have plenty of money to blow. I'm not made of money, I work hard, and conserve my money for things that work better for me. If video games make things better for you, then great, play them, buy them. That still doesn't make me understand the major point of camping out for hours to get "value out of a good deal". People don't camp outside waiting to vote. If people did, then maybe voting would matter more, and make more of a difference to a larger majority. Notice, I'm speaking about a large majority of public, not taking personal attacks. You sir, made this whole ordeal personal, which is not cool. I sympathize with you, and apologize you took offense to a general statement of wonderment. I hope things start working out better for you.

THEM:
    Let me start off with saying I have no ill feelings toward you, nor do I think of you in a negative light. I know you didn't like me when we first met, I believe it had to do with [deleted for personal reason] not that it matters, but since that point I believe we have always been cordial and friendly, and I don't intend for that to change.

    Calling you an elitist was a bit personal, but let's be honest, this had already taken a personal turn. I'm not sure if you intended to say this, as I've always known you to be a mostly kind person, but calling me stupid, disrespectful and a part of the major problem with society and/or the world made this personal, and frankly, it ticked me off and hurt my feelings.

    I decided to send you this message instead of posting [in public] with an argument, which I also honestly don't even feel like arguing in general.

    I guess we are just going to have to kindly agree to disagree, as you don't seem to understand the point I'm trying to make, which is saving money on gifts for Holidays is not ridiculous, and honestly very understandable behavior.

    P.S. Thanks for the concern, but I'm actually doing good. Hope you are well.

ME:
Okay, see that's what I was saying. If you read the comment. I didn't call YOU stupid, disrespectful, or part of the problem. I said,

“I was driving to Pluckers, and Best Buy was on the way, and some of those ridiculous people were also disrespectful and stupid because they were in the way of others actually trying to get places. Stopping in the middle of the road to unload groups to sit and wait.”

How does this even remotely relate to you? Were you one of those people in [deleted] Best Buy near [deleted]? I don’t believe you were.

It’s the whole idea of making shopping a huge deal and festival that is the problem. How do you think people feel who can’t afford even the sales? I mean, all this consumerism just beats them down and makes them feel worse, and kids think that their parents don’t care or love them because some other freakin’ kid has cooler toys.

How is buying things the most important and best thing to give someone over the holidays. You enjoy the simple pleasures. Be there, do things, help out, show your care and love. All that costs is time and effort, which is free as far as money is concerned. 

Not only did you call me an elitist, but count how many times you said “you” in all of your comments. Now, count how many times I said "you" in all my comments. The term “you” is a direct personal statement.

There was absolutely no reason for you to take anything personally, except maybe because I said it’s ridiculous for people to wait 8 hours to get in a store to compete with others and fight for something on a good sale. People are dying and getting pepper sprayed because of shopping. How does that not sound ridiculous? I believe I do understand what you’re saying. I don’t believe you understand my point.

I am a kind person, and I’m trying to get people to realize that there are better things to do for your loved ones rather than buying gifts at cheap prices. Make them something. Buy from the heart, and don’t be concerned with what is in your pocket. And once again, my ultimate statement concerned waiting and camping for 8 hours or more to get in a store and buy things. That has nothing to do with buying cheap holiday gifts. The focus is put on the waiting portion.

We do have to kindly agree to disagree. You need to not take things so personal, then start blasting someone on public sites about things you have no idea about. I don’t appreciate it.

And why bring up the past? No, I didn’t like you because [deleted personal] Pure jealousy I admit, but that has no regards to the present moment.



END CONVERSATION


So, who is out of line here? What are your thoughts, opinions, and feelings? I personally don't like the holidays because of all of this nonsense. I admit, I bought things, but it was a few books and movies. I bought my little sister something, and my mother something. It's not much, but it came from the heart, and I know they will love it. I didn't have to wait any amount of time, or fight anyone, and it was still cheap. I'm trying to write a holiday story and read to the family as a gift. Is that bad? Does that make me a bad person?

All these "things" people buy just get thrown out and wasted in the end. No one is crowded outside their city hall making sure all this waste isn't waste, and I feel that is a more important issue, not shopping.
There are people "occupying Wall Street" for money reasons causing riots and such, and yet, there is still Black Friday. Some places apparently have music, food, and stuff for the people who are waiting. It's a Shop Fest. Just pushing people to buy more stuff. If the government gets control like they want to, then people will start thinking, "Oh, maybe I should have spent money buying food, water, weapons, or brushing up on my survival skills, instead of waiting and fighting for that 52" LCD screen that I'll never get to watch cool shit on anymore."This whole thing just goes to show you more of what really happens during the holidays.

I mean...I don't know. I'm purely baffled, and feel justified that I've made my point. I'm ready to have discussions if anyone feels the need.