Drunken Ramble About Death

My grandfather died tonight. I was out with 2 friends and after a while and getting real drunk I checked my messages. One was from my Dad telling me that my grandfather, his father, had passed away an 10p.m. It seems like everytime someone passes away, I find out over the phone...Anyway, the 2 people I was with,1 of which, honestly, I was in love with , and have been for a long time. I find out the info and she hugs me. It's the greatest feeling in the world. That's all I wanna do. Hug her for the entire night. Sex would be great, but I just want to hold her. The other friend we're with is her ex-boyfriend, and my friend. There's a lot behind us 3, but let's just say I was already feeling realy awkward with just the two. I was fine and dealing with it all until I came back from the bathroom and saw them making out. Yes, it shouldn't have mattered, it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I throew off the energy from that point on, and I got the maeeage. She just held me, it was perfect, but he was obviously jealous, anxious, and frustrated. So, it was weird. I was soo drunk and emotional...I don't even care anymore.I feel so depressed, and I fell rediculous. Yes, I'm sill drunk. I just have no one right now, and I really want to hold someone. That's all. Just some one to hold and comfort me, and talk to me. I don't know what I have to do, what I have to change to be able to have that. Te people who do need it, but don't appreciate it, and possible don't deserve; gets all the attention. What about me? I do all this work and try to be this great person, adn I want to hold someone and someone to hold me in a time of need, adn I can't ahve it. I don't deserve it? What the fuck is wrong with people? Shit people get all the goods. All of this really sucks. It proves this world is shit because the people in it don't care. There is no love. I don't have to much hope for human kind right now, or for myself. Why won't somone I love,love me back? I know it's an issue a lot of people have, but it doesn't make sense, and it hurts; real bad. I'm just so emotional and depressed at the moment (and honsetstly a lot lately) that I don't know what to say or do properly. Please help. I need a omantic intrest to stick for a while I need it. I want it. Please, please, please please, please, and please. I'm stupid and drunk enough to post this on the blog and feel like an idiot, but I feel almost deperate. I just don't see why I'm not with someone right where we can make each other happy. Talk to me, please, if you have help I can make use of. Thanks, love, and peace.